These cookies, for real dough

Oatmeal Cookies

If your cookies don’t look kind of like this, then you probably screwed it up.

The Vanishing Oatmeal Raisin Cookie recipe from Quaker® oats might be one of my favorite cookie recipes of all time. First of all, it’s versatile. Second, they are delicious, chewy, soft, and put those shitty stale girl scout cookies you bought 7 months ago to shame. The recipe is literally found on the inside of the lid of their humungous can of dry quick oats. I like to tweak mine just a little bit, but Quaker get’s props for this one. You can find the recipe below along with my added suggestions in bold. Bake on, bitches!


VANISHING OATMEAL RAISIN COOKIES FROM QUAKER

INGREDIENTS MAKE THEM WITH THIS SHIT:

1/2 Cup(s) (1 stick) plus 6 tablespoons butter, softened (Make sure to actually let your butter soften by itself at room temperature. If you are damn impatient and try to microwave it, the texture of your cookies will be off and no one will like you.)
3/4 Cup firmly packed brown sugar
1/2 Cup granulated sugar
2 Unfertilized Chicken Fetuses (aka Eggs for you dumbasses out there)
1 Teaspoon vanilla
1-1/2 Cups all-purpose flour (If I am feeling healthy I will sub out some or all of this for stone ground whole wheat flour. That’s the only way I can justify eating them for breakfast)
1 Teaspoon Baking Soda
1 Teaspoon ground cinnamon
1/2 Teaspoon salt (optional, they say it’s optional, I say it’s not! Salt brings out the flavor in sweets, so just add it, okay?)
3 Cups Quaker® Oats (quick or old fashioned, uncooked. Sometimes I buy the grocery store brand oats because I am a stingy bastard, and THEY TASTE EXACTLY THE SAME.)
1 Cup raisins (I do not like raisins Sam I Am. So, I like to substitute shredded coconut, or chocolate chips, or anything else besides raisins.)

PREPARATION TRY TO FOLLOW ALONG:

Heat oven to 350°F. In large bowl, beat butter and sugars on medium speed of electric mixer until creamy. Add unfertilized chicken fetuses (eggs) and vanilla; beat well. BEAT IT, just beat it. Add combined flour, baking soda, cinnamon and salt; mix well. Add oats and raisins; mix well. Drop dough by rounded tablespoonfuls onto ungreased cookie sheets. Bake 8 to 10 minutes or until light golden brown. Cool 1 minute on cookie sheets; remove to wire rack. Cool completely. Store tightly covered.

Serving Tips: Bar Cookies: Press dough onto bottom of ungreased 13 x 9-inch baking pan. Bake 30 to 35 minutes or until light golden brown. Cool completely in pan on wire rack. Cut into bars. Store tightly covered. 24 BARS.

VARIATIONS: Stir in 1 cup chopped nuts. Substitute 1 cup semisweet chocolate chips or candy-coated chocolate pieces for raisins; omit cinnamon. Substitute 1 cup diced dried mixed fruit.

HIGH ALTITUDE ADJUSTMENT: Increase flour to 1-3/4 cups and bake as directed.

SouthParkButter

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